My shaky “hello”

 

I sit here in my kitchen drinking coffee, words fill my mind what to say but the question that holds me back every time is “who do you think you are?” which then usually throws me into a paralysis of sorts where I will instead mess around with the design of my blog or pursue another creative endeavor that’s not nearly so public. The question still rings in my mind with each word I type, that is to say I don’t think I’m much of anyone at all, I’m no authority on anything that I know of yet like everyone else I have much to say. There’s a hope that others will find value in it which leads me to explain the name of my blog.

It began just under three years ago when I was working in the office of the current company I now work for (no longer a paper pusher- yes!) and we were sending out invoices. There’s those stamps, like the ones that say “URGENT” and “PAST DUE”. At the time I was in a place where I’d do damn near anything to make someone else laugh and if by doing so I could make myself laugh then I was victorious. My boss has been privy to this tendency of mine long enough that she doesn’t take it seriously if I randomly do a handstand against a doorframe at an awkward time. That being said, I used the “URGENT” stamp on a sticky note, wrote “and waaasaaaayyyyyyyy”, then finished off with the “PAST DUE” stamp. Friends, this is what happens when a bored, broke, desperate, under-educated lass finds herself in a job she doesn’t feel she deserves and she’s trying to sabotage herself before she hears the biting words “You’re fired.” because the one thing she knows is the job is too good for her. I don’t believe that anymore, but back then I sure did. I slapped the sticky note on my forehead and brought some finished invoices to my bosses desk. She chuckles at the sticky note, grabs the invoices and thanks me. Self-sabotage failed, and I continued to work there another day.

I got a bigger kick out of the sticky note than anyone else did and kept it for the longest time, in any case it went from being a joke to reflecting how I feel about my writing. There are things I’m dying to share with the world, thoughts I have that I wonder if anyone else has thought the same things and has been just as scared as I was to articulate them. Each time they occur to me I find myself wishing I’d written them yesterday. From mild ridicule to parody accounts to being called all names in the book like racist, misogynist, offensive, sexist, when someone simply doesn’t agree with you it’s a scary world to put anything out there. We live in a world that reeks of censorship while preaching a gospel of free speech, when really it seems the only ones granted that right-become-luxury are those who choose to stay politically correct, which by the way fails to be a true ideal and has become a generic term for whatever is an approved viewpoint for the current point in time. Not that I even intend for this to be a politically driven blog, merely a place to share my thoughts, yet inevitably views driven by current events are bound to seep through. So my dilemma; I have much to say which to me is urgent, but I forever feel it’s far past due the time to say them because I let that lovely little thing called fear shut me up every time. I want to change that, to beat it to the punch and press that publish button before it occurs to me that I should wonder what the hell I’m doing.

To be clear I’m still not sure what type of blog this will turn out to be, I’ll probably find out as time unfolds. I just wanted to get past the first post and explain my whys and wherefores. If you made it down to these words I just want to say thank you.

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